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Fic: It's a Hot Day for a White Wedding
Title: It's a Hot Day for a White Wedding
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Barney Stinson/Robin Scherbatsky; Marshall Erickson/Lily Aldrin, Ted Mosby/Nameless
Summary: The gang attends a wedding.
Notes: Extremely vague spoilers for the status of certain relationships at the end of season 4. Originally posted here for the Porn Battle; it's not terribly porny, but c'est la vie. The prompts were 'wedding' and 'diehard anti-romantics,' for Barney/Robin. The wedding vows are actual real vows. I could not make this shit up if I tried. You're welcome.
“As the tides ebb and flow, so do the fortunes of life. Footprints in the sand are washed away; driftwood moves on its endless quest for a peaceful harbor… only a deep and abiding love can withstand the tides of change in two lives.”
Sitting in a pew, Barney shudders convulsively, leaning forward with an expression that suggests very strongly that he’s struggling not to vomit.
Robin, sitting beside him, is staring at the pastor (and at the beaming bride and groom) with mounting horror and disgust. “Oh my God,” she mutters. “Where did they get this crap, off the back of a cereal box?”
“Shhh!” voices hiss from deeper in the church pew. Marshall and Lily are holding hands, watching the ceremony with rapture; Ted and his date are doing that creepy thing where they stare soulfully into each other’s eyes, oblivious to the world around them. It’s hard to say who exactly the shushing came from.
Robin shoots the four of them a dubious, unimpressed look. “Did you have any idea that Brad and Kara were this … this?” Robin whispers to Barney, mouth hidden behind the paper fan that she was handed when walking into the hot church. As she says the second this, she points at the altar, where Brad is very obviously holding back tears.
“Robin, I had no idea who Brad and Kara were at all,” Barney mutters back, and he ignores the oh, come on flat look that Robin aims at him. “The invitation had me at ‘open bar reception.’ “
“Do you, Bradford,” the priest says, and Barney mouths an incredulous Bradford? while Robin poorly disguises a laugh as a cough, “promise Kara as your partner and best friend that your love and loyalty will weather the storms of life; that you will love, comfort and respect her no matter what course the two of you set… Do you commit to Kara a lifetime of continued love, trust and friendship?”
“I have never been to a more nautical-themed wedding,” Barney says lightly, thoughtful, and Robin punches him in the thigh in a clear warning to shut up, as she narrowly avoids a loud snort. Unfortunately, Barney has never been very good at taking a hint. “Seriously,” he continues in an undertone. “I’ll bet you two grand that there’s a skull and crossbones somewhere in the reception hall.”
“Make it fifty,” Robin murmurs from behind her fan, as the priest tells Kara and Brad to gaze into each other’s eyes.
Barney scoffs. “Come on, Scherbatsky; fifty’s for schoolyard kids betting on jacks and Red Rover, Red Rover.”
She doesn’t look away from the ongoing wedding ceremony. “Fifty American dollars, take it or leave it.”
He makes a low, drawn-out sound of annoyed protest; the one that means that Robin has won. “Take it,” he says, sulky.
“You’re on,” Robin tells him happily, lowering her fan, and is promptly shushed by the wedding brigade.
“This ring is a symbol of my love and commitment,” Robin says, soulful and dramatic, staring into Barney’s eyes as they sway on the dance floor, “as powerful and endless as the sea.”
“Okay, okay okay okay!” Barney barks, pulling away from her as fast as he can. He reaches into his jacket and produces a $50 bill, which he spastically hands to Robin. “Take it! It’s yours! Take it! You win the bet with your cheating ways! Just stop repeating those vows!”
Robin smiles, pleased and smug, and plucks the money from his hand. “Mama’s got game,” she crows, tucking the crisp bill under the neckline of her red dress and into her bra. Barney’s eyes linger as she does so, as he steps back in and they begin to dance again.
He gets that unmistakable swagger in his step even while dancing, apparently. He leans in close to her ear, hand settling a little lower on her waist, and he says, silky-smooth, “So, what do you say we—”
“No,” Robin says placidly.
“But what if we were—”
“No.”
Indignant: “You’re not letting me—”
“No.”
He makes a wordless sound of pure frustration. “I hope you know what you’re—”
“This place is totally boring,” Robin announces, an amused light in her eyes. Beat. "And way too hot. Human beings were not meant to live in these temperatures."
Barney eyes her for a long moment, suspicious, and then he spins her out, one hand still in hers, then tugs her back in. When she slams into him, forced to grab his shoulders for balance, Barney says, “Wanna go do it in the walk-in freezer?”
“Let’s blow this popsicle stand,” Robin says immediately, and her face shines with her grin.
“Blow this popsicle stand? Dirty, Scherbatsky,” Barney says, admiring, and Robin’s smile takes on a familiarly dangerous tilt.
“You think that’s dirty?” she asks, eyebrow raised, and then she leans in, her hands on his chest, and whispers something in his ear.
As she goes on, Barney’s eyes go wider and his knees weaken further. Robin is still pressed against him, her breath warm in his ear, and she does something subtle and filthily slithery with her hips.
Barney takes one hand off of her just long enough to bite his fist as he says something that sounds approximately like, “Nyaaa~aaaa~ahhhh— Closer. Freezer, too far—”
“Bathroom?” Robin suggests, taking a step back and letting her eyes flick all the way down his body before coming back up again.
Barney wheezes something incoherent (something that sounds suspiciously like perfect woman, and Robin laughs), grabs her hand, and sets such a blistering pace toward the reception hall bathroom that Robin is forced to skitter in her heels to keep up.
“Awwww,” says Lily, smiling fondly. “I’ve got to admit, it’s kinda sweet.” Beat. “In a noisy sort of way.”
Everyone in the reception hall has migrated away from the bathroom door. The band, shooting uneasy looks in that direction, begins playing their cover of Green Day’s “Time of Your Life” at a louder volume.
“I mean, that used to be us,” Lily continues to Marshall, one of her hands in one of his, and her other arm looped comfortably around his neck. The rhythmic thuds from the bathroom are steadily escalating into a frenzied speed. Lily wrinkles her nose. “Except, you know, we were a liiittle more discreet.”
“No, you weren’t,” interjects Ted, resigned and mournful at once, and then he spins his date away.
“We totally were,” Marshall says to Lily, rolling his eyes peaceably.
Barney’s voice echoes from the bathroom. “BINGO!”
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Barney Stinson/Robin Scherbatsky; Marshall Erickson/Lily Aldrin, Ted Mosby/Nameless
Summary: The gang attends a wedding.
Notes: Extremely vague spoilers for the status of certain relationships at the end of season 4. Originally posted here for the Porn Battle; it's not terribly porny, but c'est la vie. The prompts were 'wedding' and 'diehard anti-romantics,' for Barney/Robin. The wedding vows are actual real vows. I could not make this shit up if I tried. You're welcome.
“As the tides ebb and flow, so do the fortunes of life. Footprints in the sand are washed away; driftwood moves on its endless quest for a peaceful harbor… only a deep and abiding love can withstand the tides of change in two lives.”
Sitting in a pew, Barney shudders convulsively, leaning forward with an expression that suggests very strongly that he’s struggling not to vomit.
Robin, sitting beside him, is staring at the pastor (and at the beaming bride and groom) with mounting horror and disgust. “Oh my God,” she mutters. “Where did they get this crap, off the back of a cereal box?”
“Shhh!” voices hiss from deeper in the church pew. Marshall and Lily are holding hands, watching the ceremony with rapture; Ted and his date are doing that creepy thing where they stare soulfully into each other’s eyes, oblivious to the world around them. It’s hard to say who exactly the shushing came from.
Robin shoots the four of them a dubious, unimpressed look. “Did you have any idea that Brad and Kara were this … this?” Robin whispers to Barney, mouth hidden behind the paper fan that she was handed when walking into the hot church. As she says the second this, she points at the altar, where Brad is very obviously holding back tears.
“Robin, I had no idea who Brad and Kara were at all,” Barney mutters back, and he ignores the oh, come on flat look that Robin aims at him. “The invitation had me at ‘open bar reception.’ “
“Do you, Bradford,” the priest says, and Barney mouths an incredulous Bradford? while Robin poorly disguises a laugh as a cough, “promise Kara as your partner and best friend that your love and loyalty will weather the storms of life; that you will love, comfort and respect her no matter what course the two of you set… Do you commit to Kara a lifetime of continued love, trust and friendship?”
“I have never been to a more nautical-themed wedding,” Barney says lightly, thoughtful, and Robin punches him in the thigh in a clear warning to shut up, as she narrowly avoids a loud snort. Unfortunately, Barney has never been very good at taking a hint. “Seriously,” he continues in an undertone. “I’ll bet you two grand that there’s a skull and crossbones somewhere in the reception hall.”
“Make it fifty,” Robin murmurs from behind her fan, as the priest tells Kara and Brad to gaze into each other’s eyes.
Barney scoffs. “Come on, Scherbatsky; fifty’s for schoolyard kids betting on jacks and Red Rover, Red Rover.”
She doesn’t look away from the ongoing wedding ceremony. “Fifty American dollars, take it or leave it.”
He makes a low, drawn-out sound of annoyed protest; the one that means that Robin has won. “Take it,” he says, sulky.
“You’re on,” Robin tells him happily, lowering her fan, and is promptly shushed by the wedding brigade.
“This ring is a symbol of my love and commitment,” Robin says, soulful and dramatic, staring into Barney’s eyes as they sway on the dance floor, “as powerful and endless as the sea.”
“Okay, okay okay okay!” Barney barks, pulling away from her as fast as he can. He reaches into his jacket and produces a $50 bill, which he spastically hands to Robin. “Take it! It’s yours! Take it! You win the bet with your cheating ways! Just stop repeating those vows!”
Robin smiles, pleased and smug, and plucks the money from his hand. “Mama’s got game,” she crows, tucking the crisp bill under the neckline of her red dress and into her bra. Barney’s eyes linger as she does so, as he steps back in and they begin to dance again.
He gets that unmistakable swagger in his step even while dancing, apparently. He leans in close to her ear, hand settling a little lower on her waist, and he says, silky-smooth, “So, what do you say we—”
“No,” Robin says placidly.
“But what if we were—”
“No.”
Indignant: “You’re not letting me—”
“No.”
He makes a wordless sound of pure frustration. “I hope you know what you’re—”
“This place is totally boring,” Robin announces, an amused light in her eyes. Beat. "And way too hot. Human beings were not meant to live in these temperatures."
Barney eyes her for a long moment, suspicious, and then he spins her out, one hand still in hers, then tugs her back in. When she slams into him, forced to grab his shoulders for balance, Barney says, “Wanna go do it in the walk-in freezer?”
“Let’s blow this popsicle stand,” Robin says immediately, and her face shines with her grin.
“Blow this popsicle stand? Dirty, Scherbatsky,” Barney says, admiring, and Robin’s smile takes on a familiarly dangerous tilt.
“You think that’s dirty?” she asks, eyebrow raised, and then she leans in, her hands on his chest, and whispers something in his ear.
As she goes on, Barney’s eyes go wider and his knees weaken further. Robin is still pressed against him, her breath warm in his ear, and she does something subtle and filthily slithery with her hips.
Barney takes one hand off of her just long enough to bite his fist as he says something that sounds approximately like, “Nyaaa~aaaa~ahhhh— Closer. Freezer, too far—”
“Bathroom?” Robin suggests, taking a step back and letting her eyes flick all the way down his body before coming back up again.
Barney wheezes something incoherent (something that sounds suspiciously like perfect woman, and Robin laughs), grabs her hand, and sets such a blistering pace toward the reception hall bathroom that Robin is forced to skitter in her heels to keep up.
“Awwww,” says Lily, smiling fondly. “I’ve got to admit, it’s kinda sweet.” Beat. “In a noisy sort of way.”
Everyone in the reception hall has migrated away from the bathroom door. The band, shooting uneasy looks in that direction, begins playing their cover of Green Day’s “Time of Your Life” at a louder volume.
“I mean, that used to be us,” Lily continues to Marshall, one of her hands in one of his, and her other arm looped comfortably around his neck. The rhythmic thuds from the bathroom are steadily escalating into a frenzied speed. Lily wrinkles her nose. “Except, you know, we were a liiittle more discreet.”
“No, you weren’t,” interjects Ted, resigned and mournful at once, and then he spins his date away.
“We totally were,” Marshall says to Lily, rolling his eyes peaceably.
Barney’s voice echoes from the bathroom. “BINGO!”
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So nice to read this, especially today.
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And those vows? WOW. Hahaha.
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AREN'T THEY TERRIFYING? I found them on the internet; someone had posted them on Yahoo Answers, saying that these were going to be her wedding vows and asking if they were too cheesy.
Answer: YES.
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On a separate note - what's so funny about the name Bradford?
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